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Aug 13, 2014, 12:06 PM
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Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 610
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I had an addiction problem with pornography last year, and it formed into OCD thoughts thinking I would harm children even though I didn't want to (but we went over this when I was admitted to a hospital after, that I was not attracted to children. And I know I'm not now.). Porn back then was causing me to become emotionally distressed and it made me feel jealous of people that were in intimate relationships. I was even engaging in cybersex (I didn't tell my parents about that part. I wanted to leave that out.). So as I was recovering in the hospital, and we thought it was best for me to stay away from porn by blocking all adult sites on my laptop. The fantasies went away for a while after that.
Then when we got back out a few months ago, I was tempted into looking at porn again. I started finding erotic artwork online to masturbate to, and then I started using the internet on my phone to go on porn websites again. I engaged in some cyber sex, but not as much. I eventually went from looking at porn every few nights to once every night (which messed up how I slept).
A few days ago I had stop and think about how I was feeling. I was getting really depressed again, and even though porn made me feel good for the moment, it wouldn't last for a whole day. I'm always having these unrealistic fantasies (daydreaming in my head about it all the time, every day), and I'm afraid if I continue to get my mind stuck in the dream world, I might not be able to handle this realistically in the future. I've been having unrealistic thoughts about what it would be like to have sex with a person.
I've said before that I would not date anyone again and not be in an intimate relationship. All I wanted was a friend with benefits partner, and I kept seeing nearly every man that was good looking to me as nearly a sex object. That's just not right!
I know I can't be in a relationship, either for love or for sex anyway. I'm just not able to. I'm not attractive or pleasing enough to a man's eyes. I just don't have the body or skills to impress him. Also, here in Utah almost all of the population here (I may be exaggerating this. and I'm trying to not urge anyone into religious debate, but this is how it is in Utah where I live), who is Mormon; men want women to have kids and raise a family with them. I don't want to be a part of their beliefs, and I don't want to raise kids. I'd be a terrible mother and I don't think I'd be responsible enough to take care of a baby!
So, about three or four days ago, I've decided not to look at porn anymore and make a goal to become celibate (I am not doing this for religious beliefs. I'm doing it for the sake of my own sanity.). I will not get involved in any type of relationship, or any sexual activity, even trying to not let myself see hugging, kissing, cuddling or any other ways of petting, which means no looking at shirtless pictures of men in sexy poses, or fan-girling over religious idols (I have a problem with angels. It helps that I have a passion, something to get into, but it also hurts me having the false beliefs in wanting to be in a relationship with them.)
Who would make a great couple?
Michael x Satan
I ship them so hard...Ohhh Yaoi and its works 
No Bubonic! NO!!! No more Yaoi pairings!!! >:V
Last edited by BubonicPlague; Aug 13, 2014 at 12:14 PM.
Reason: had to add one thing.
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