thank you again everyone. reading what you've all had to say i can't believe i've spent the last 20 years of my life thinking i was just being dramatic, and that my anger toward those men and my father wasnt justified. its always been there but i've kept stifling it because i thought i didnt have any right to feel it.

as far as i know that neighbor is dead now and that is just fine with me. i don't think i was the only one because none of the neighborhood girls wanted to go anywhere near his house. the other 2 are probably still around. funny i knew both of their wives and they were both really nice women. i wish they knew what kind of men they were married to. anyway i doubt i'll ever see either of them again and thats fine with me too.

still the most anger is toward my father. the more i think about it the angrier i get. everybody loved him. half my hometown showed up at his funeral. my siblings still talk about him like he was a saint. they still make excuses for him 10 years after he died. did i mention that he still went to that bbq right after my sister told him?

i'm not sure how its possible to love someone and hate them at the same time, but thats how i feel right now. i cant help loving him, he wasn't all bad, but i can't help hating him a little too.