Hi guys! How is everyone? Hope you are all well and good!, Me, I could probably never wake up and be all the better!!!!
See, To make a VERY LONG LIFELONG story short. i was hospitalized at 15 for a suicide attempt.(unloved, not good enough for anyne betrayed by parents, etc) diagnosis....bipolar. 28 days later I was released with no follow up and no meds.
I married at 16 to get away from bad situations at home, had my first angel at 18 and divorced forst husband at 20. Thats when it really started to get bad. Overspending, self medication for the pain that I had absolutely no clue where was coming from (no counceling my whole life) Could tell my father was obviously was OCD and seriously paranoid...would even hallucianate and use valiums and drink on occasion. Thought I was cursed. STILL DO. Met a man when I was 22 that I thought was the one. That was in 95. WE are currently still together, my daughter is 16 now and our 3 we had together are 8,4, and 10 months. Only problem is, he seems to keep bringing out the absolute worst in my symptoms. Can he be a trigger? Last year he left me when I was pregnant with our last one to join the army to run away from me because he didnt know how to help me so he abandoned me. He abandonned me in a little trailer with no a/c and all those kids. Needless to say he missed the birth, I hemmoaraged, the baby came 3 weeks early, was hooked up to tubes for 3 weeks and we almost lost both of us. NOONE WAS THERE FOR ME. I am almost torn between thinking I don't deserve anyone and pissed because I do.
1 week after we got home still healing, me taking care of all the kids and myself, the sherriff shows up with eviction papers. I had just sent 450.00 the day before...boy i wish i woulda saved that money! Landlord was selling the property and we had 3 DAYS TO GET OUT!
I LOST IT. I curled up into a ball, my daughter called my mom and she came over and tried to do all she could........where was my husband???????Lying to me about smoking cigarettes with his buddies, going to parties while we suffered back home.
Finially we live together again and he is gona all the time..he is out in the field again now....he promised me he would go to coullllnceling and therapy too with me and fix me before i just end it all, but guys, I have never ever in my entire life felt so hopeless. If my face could droop to the floor right now it would I swear. The doctors here on base cant get their %#@&#! right with the parmacy either so I am aleways running out of meds, it's totally not consistent....pleaseplease any advice...I don't wat to go on...every scream of this baby makes it 40 times worse