Just trying to see if anyone else can identify with these feelings I've been having...

I have noticed some manipulative tendencies...I have been working on them. I don't want to be a toxic person.
I also have a low self-esteem and a thing about punishing myself... I frequently put myself down, or will make myself write lines about how disgusting I am, how my coworkers would love to see me kill myself, how they're all laughing at me, how I'm just a big joke and no one takes me seriously because I'm a pathetic sl@& and stupid wh$/8s like me deserve to die...those sorts of things.
I also am almost obsessively clingy with anyone I have any slight romantic involvement with. They become my confidante in everything and when I need to tell someone if I'm hurting, if I don't tell them, another person's reassurances aren't good enough. I have to have theirs.
If I text them and they don't reply, I first go into self-hate mode...and then I'll start looking on every social media page of theirs I can see to see if they're busy. And then it's like a little imp is telling me to try another text...then try a snapchat... I've actually deleted my snapchat several times trying to stop harassing my coworker I was involved with, and have deleted and re-added his number as well. This goes on for a while. To discourage myself from texting him, or snapping him, I change his contact name into an insult that hurts so I stop...and it never works unless I'm really upset, and then only for a little while.

I self injure as well, and have been keeping it quiet, but haven't been hiding it from my former fwb. He hasn't noticed, which is why I don't feel the need to hide it.

I like being the "comedic" relief in situations...not the focus of everyone's attention but a small group's, or for one or two people... I like the idea of making someone laugh and then when they see me again, maybe they'll laugh again or feel good, or remember whatever I told them that made them laugh.

I overreact to stress, and I don't hide it very well. It's extremely easy to tell when I'm angry.

As for happy feelings....they're kind of numb. Like, "I'm not angry or sad, so I'm happy-ish"

Also, lately I've been having a lot of trouble with phobias. I'm twenty years old and Thunderstorms and lightning scare the bejesus out of me... I know this isn't normal.

Some days are good. Not as much self-hate, feel pretty okay...and then some are worse and I feel like maybe if I just disappeared, everything would be better, or I'm easy to anger and easily agitated.

I don't really like opening up to anyone IRL because a large portion of the time, I begin to attach to them...and I know that becomes a problem, especially if I'm involved with the person...

From what I can tell, I seem to be exhibiting some traits of am BPD or HPD or both... I know there's no way to diagnose someone up here--but I was wondering if anyone had similar feelings to these, or if they rang true with anyone else.