Today... has been ok.

I purposefully asked my wife to not come visit me today (not out of any meanness) but because I'd be seeing my named nurse for the first time in a week and the previous occasion had not been pleasant. As such I didn't want my anxiety to spill over which it is wanton to do when I have visitors, am out on the ward and that lady is on shift at the same time... it isn't fair on my visitors and it is just very stressful for me. This turned out to be a welcome relief for the missus as she'd been invited short notice by a friend to go out for the day to Wales (of all places) which I think she enjoyed a lot.

As such I stayed in my bed space for most of the day and just waited till she (nurse) wanted to go over my file and prepare for my ward round tomorrow (meeting with psychiatrist). Because I had reduced any undue anxiety, I was both mentally and emotionally prepared for it... had a frank chat... she was her usual strong self but I stated my case with confidence and surety and essentially stood up for myself on equal terms. I think it's fair to say she was still pissed off from last week and did throw a few blind curves at me that normally would make me panic, but I dealt with them and explained my case... basically, I didn't rise to the bait.

Once the bs was over with and essentially whatever issues between us were put to one side, we got to what would be discussed tomorrow: the depressive down turns I get when at home... primarily a concern to the wife when she won't be around to ensure I don't spiral to crisis point. Named nurse made it clear that the level of support I'll have is there to utilise and I've got to find both the energy and courage to do so before things get out of hand - crisis team, community psychiatric nurse... as well as group therapy that I need to commit to.

With respect to work (I raised my concerns about returning... had a really weird dream about work last night), she said that I should not under any circumstances return straight away... and that when I do... to do so slowly, a few hours to begin with and build it up.

All in all it was a productive chat once the initial crap had been dealt with and I was quite proud of myself for a change.