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Originally Posted by newtothis31
Thanks for posting something so self-reflective- I really appreciated the observations about your friends not helping you when you were clearly in need & in a manic state. Giving up on certain friendships has been the hardest part of my illness.
First and foremost- it took me a long time to get the right med combination. When I was initially diagnosed- I felt very emotionally flat and as though I lost a big part of my personality. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to drive a car again because the medication left me so fatigued. In my case- I had a major psychotic break and spent four weeks in the hospital. I needed to get the extra rest to re-set my mind and decrease the probability of having a manic episode. It took me four months of being heavily medicated to having my dosage levels drastically decreased. From there, I was able to decrease again at 10 months post breakdown.
So really make sure that you are keeping your p-doc updated on side effects and how you're feeling about the medicine. But keep in mind- the medication may be able to be switched to something with less side effects once you allow your mind to re-set.
When the medicine started to work the way it was intended to- I found myself missing the racing thoughts. The world really slowed down and I didn't have a lot to replace it with (lost friends, didn't really have any meaningful hobbies that I could focus on) I really thought that they allowed me to be ahead of the game. It took me a while to accept that my racing thoughts were an involuntary response and they weren't something that benefitted me. That my accomplishments were in spite of the racing thoughts, not because of them.
Hope this helps you!
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I found it really interesting what you said, that "[your] accomplishments were in spite of the racing thoughts, not because of them," and that you missed them at first. I have a love-hate relationship with my racing thoughts. When they distract me to the point of barely being able to read, or constantly interrupting me, then they're obnoxious. But when I'm in that hypomanic state (formerly known as "normal"), it feels... well, normal. I can't imagine them not being there, I can't imagine things being quiet. I'm not quite sure what I would do with myself, to be honest. I guess I have a long way to go in experiencing and understanding life without symptoms of BP.
In talking with my pdoc today about it, she did say a major cause of medication non-compliance with BP I is that hypomania is hard to give up because it feels good. And indeed, my memories of my hypomania are good ones, I remember feeling absolutely great. Up until this point, I have been living my life thinking things are "normal," because it's my baseline, all I've ever known, either depressed or feeling great. But pdoc also pointed out that's probably why my MDD has been so treatment resistant, because of the failure to account for the BP component (aka, mood stabilizer). So hopefully, the right mood stabilizer will help bring me up to a "slightly elevated, contented level (her words)."
Is that how you would describe your state of mind now with the right rx combination? Do you feel slightly elevated, or do you feel kind of drowsy? You describe your initial medication as fatiguing, and once it started working as intended as slowing the world down. I'm afraid I'm going to slow down so much I won't be able to keep up with my workload. I can't fathom how I can get things done, but then again, I don't know how I manage to get things done depressed as I am now, it requires an extraordinary amount of energy just to pretend things are okay for work and school, resulting in crashing the moment I get home. Maybe if I can get that to stop, things will seem easier to manage. I hope.
Thank you again for sharing!
