Quote:
Originally Posted by tailie angel
Yesterday our landlord came into our apartment to look at our electricity and said we needed to clean up because our place was a mess. We cleaned a lot but both sinks are still filled with dirty dishes. I can't stay home. Every day my husband is at work I go to a family members house because if I stay home, I just sleep a lot and put my son in his crib so I can rest or let him play in his room while I rest on the floor. But either way, whether I stay home or go out, the dishes just don't get done and I can't ask my husband to do them because he works all day. I have anxiety about doing them, I keep feeling like if I do them there will just be more and more dishes, I will never get them done! But I am anxious thinking about them sitting there forever too. I'm horrified. How do I get past this? Tomorrow I go out of town for my son's appointment so I will be gone all day. I'm thinking about trying to stay home friday but I'm just so scared I will sleep all day. I keep waiting for a 'good day' to come by so I will feel like cleaning, but if a good day does come, cleaning seems like such a waste of such a good mood! Has anyone gone through anything similar to this? I just want to be a better mother and a better wife. BUt everything about being either one of those horrifies me. I wish sometimes that I would never had kids or that I should have waited and I hate those feelings because my son is everything to me.
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You're definitely not alone. When I lived alone, my house was meticulously clean and stayed that way. Never a thing out of place. When I lived alone, however, I was mostly always hypomanic, rarely depressed. By the time I got married, PTSD and MDD had taken over, and my husband is not a clean person by nature, having grown up with *everything* being cleaned for him. He'll just take things out and not put them back, and inexplicably leaves trash on the counter instead of putting it into the trash which is
RIGHT THERE. Slowly but surely, the house would get messy, and I would clean it, and it would get messy again, and I would clean it again, but again it would get messy.
I finally got sick of cleaning something that would always just get ****ed up, so I gave up. Now I have the same dish problem you have. The worst part is, I'm not the one dirtying the dishes. The rest of the house looks like a tornado hit it. Even thinking about cleaning it makes me want to crawl into bed and pass out. I feel like it will never get done. We've made plan after plan to "spend the weekend" and clean it all up, but it never happens. I never want to, and my husband always lets me get away with my depressive "I don't want to" talk, so nothing ever happens. I wish he would just clean things on his own and help me out, or at least not make a worse mess. House chores are just the worst. I feel for you. Hang in there.