I have similar tendencies to what you describe here, not as intense as what you describe though, except maybe for the low self-esteem/self-punishment part and I feel disgusting sometimes, especially when I talk to women, and especially so if some flirtation happens, I feel like a dirty 60 year old pervert. I dream about dying a lot or killing myself even, and I wonder afterwards how people would react to that, when they find me. I often wonder if people would be sad or just blase about it. I think my parents would be sad, as for the others, I really can't say. I also feel like I deserve any bad things that happen to me. The texting thing you describe sounds very familiar. I once was in love with a girl, but I think I was in her friend zone, but I still called and texted her. But, every time I did, I felt like I was harassing her, or interrupting her evening. I also felt like she didn't really want to talk to me and she was sighing when she saw my number on her phone calling or texting her, like a "What the hell does he want now again?" type of thing. I don't know, it was just a feeling I had. I made the mistake of telling her I loved her later on and then she stopped answering my texts. I've also deleted her number to take away the temptation of possibly harassing her. I feel like I was. I also just wish sometimes I could disappear and other days I wish I was never born. I often think about that girl too and I think to myself imagine if I was never born she would never have had to meet me ever and never encountered all the trauma of harassment that she did. Also, all the trouble the other people had with me already, or just in general. I imagine all the places I am in and how it would be if I'm not there.

So for your question - yes, your situation rings very true with me, it's almost like looking in a mirror. I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself one day .