I want to stop self-harming.
I started (knowingly) hurting myself when I was 10. At first it was just whenever my emotions, or the situations, or the thoughts in my head, were getting to be too much for me to handle. This happened about three/four times a month. I would harm myself by using my nail to rub at a small area of skin until I started bleeding.
When I was 11, I found what really got me off. I started cutting. The cuts helped me so much that I cut back, I only needed to do six or seven scratches a couple of times a month.
When I was 12, I upped the dosage, and it just kept getting upped.

By the time I was 14, I cut everyday. After a few months I got my head back on straight, I told myself that I needed to cut back because I couldn't even move without feeling fabric pulling on scabs. I instantly cut back, telling myself I could only do ONE cut a day, and that was it.
I held that together for about a week. Then something triggered me, and everything that I'd been trying to maintain was let loose and I cut as if making up for the lost days. So I changed my rules.
I could cut anywhere from one to five times a day.
This ended up changing again, to one to ten times a day.
I held through with it. Some days I would only give myself a tiny little scratch, just because it had become such a habit; other days I had to fight the urge of pushing the razor through my skin for the eleventh time. On rare days, I couldn't even care.
By the time I was 16 I threw away the rules, and I just did what I wanted to do. Which was a couple of cuts a day, made worse by triggers.

I'm 18 now.
I haven't cut since July 3rd of this year.
I still have all my razors, because I'm not ready to get rid of them.
I was doing okay, I was able to fight the urges, at first.

Now, when I'm laying in bed at night my mind fantasizes about it. I literally start to sweat just thinking about cutting; thinking about the pain, and the relief, and the feelings it'll create within me.
But I don't want to go down that road.
I get that maybe being a little lenient won't completely screw me over, you know, just as long as I get right back on the path afterwards. But that won't help now.

I've so much stress going on in my life, and I don't know how to handle it.
I've no one to talk to about it.
I've been just turning the other cheek, but I feel like I'm going to crack.
I'm at a point where I want to cut so badly I can taste it, and I know once I SEE that first cut, I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep going and keep cutting, deeper and deeper, until I can't keep raise the blade to my skin. I know I won't stop till my chances of survival are 50/50.
I'm fantasizing about ripping apart my skin and picking my veins out.
Suicide isn't something new to me, so this doesn't scare me.
But I'm no suicidal. I haven't been in a year, 2 months, and 3 days (I set the day in stone).
I'm becoming numb again, surrounded by ********, and infuriated with the world.
I don't want to give in though...
Does anyone have anything that could help me? Tips? Trade Secrets? Words of Wisdom? Something to help me make it through?

I'll be moving out on my own again in October. So I'll be away from the ********, but I have to make it through to October first, and I have to keep working to make sure I have enough money, all while keeping up with other things.... :/
October is my goal. Just make it to October without cutting, and it'll be downhill from there. I'll still be facing problems and everyday stress, but it won't be the things in my house that have been weighing me down since I moved back in last year.

That being said, July 3rd isn't the last day I hurt myself. It's the last day I cut myself.
I've been clean and haven't done anything since July 3rd, except for last night. Yesterday was just too many triggers on top of each other. So I punched myself, repeatedly until I started to bruise... I don't like bruising myself, it's like getting drunk rather than getting high- they still get me off in Lala land- the same end result is what I'm getting, but the means to get there is half of the reason I want to go...