I still keep on having sexual urges (even without looking at porn for a period of 5 days).

I can't believe it, I masturbated three times last night.

Now I'm going back on my word.

I made a promise that I would quit my addiction with my dad's alcoholism.

I'm thinking back on what my mom mentioned last night.

She said that when I was 15 and curious about sex with adult toys, she wouldn't talk about because I was too young. Now she'll talk about with me because I'm old enough (I think that's what she told me). I'll have to ask her again.

I don't know if she will be willing to talk about this with me, but I'm thinking maybe I can have a vibrator? Especially since I won't be able to have sex partner. I won't be able to experience what it's like to have something pleasurable inside me.

I mean, I will be 18 in four weeks. This should be appropriate right?

Maybe I don't deserve it...I can be fine with stimulating my clit manually with my fingers.

There's so many emotions going through me.

Guilt, shame, and embarrassment.