I understand what you are saying...being suicidal for so long I have decided finally not to die but life is still challenging because I realize that I have yet to choose to live. just because I have given up on death doesn't automatically mean that I have chosen life. I think living is a conscious choice that I haven't chosen yet. it kinda puts me in a no mans land. I have never chosen not to cut either. that was too hard of a commitment for me. I couldn't make it. I chose other coping mechanisms instead. I went for five years without cutting, cut a couple times and now it has been over seven years since I last cut. I still think about it at the oddest times, the urge is still there, I just choose to do something else instead. I think it will always be a part of me. take care.