First I want to "thank" everyone grately for not giving up on me, for one you kept listening to my rants despite the babbling and rants, secondly your all great, thanks for replying to my posts, I've decided to stay on PC, no more threats, I've got to make a home somewhere and this is the place.

This post relates to my need of friendships. I began going to a professional therapist for support, that can be a bit deprssing in itself to me because to think only a paid professional will listen. My 2nd attempt was Online. I'm still at it. I find myself doubting myself, I push myself on others in the same boat to often, reason why I sometimes think its best I leave.

My 3rd attempt was family. Family as always can be rough and difficult, parents for example always love their children and give support constantly BUT to me its in a bad way, its a naggy, guilty way rather then true "support" if that makes sense.

Another 4th and final attempt was "friends". To say I have a true "friend" who feels equally abotu me as I do them would be a lie, instead its basic immate style friendship full of drama and such. Altho I do consider 2 people in my life to be worthy of the title dispite their lack of care toward me in ways I need it most.

My one friend is a guy like me 17, we've been friends on and off since Kindergarden, we mostly socialize about hobbies, which are online games. We've played them for years, on occasion we talk about problems relating to school but nothing drastic.

My other friend is a girl. In my freshmen year I saw her and, in a odd sense found myself in love. Not romanticly, not lustfully but in a sense she seemed like perfection, yet she isnt nor is anyone. Until my 10th grade year I didnt speak because I found she was dating a 23yearold(he is now, she is 16 at the time he was 21 prob). IT BLEW MY MIND! I thought , wow she isnt what I thought. I was wrong.

Dispite the sounding of it she is in complete control, she's waiting for sex till marriage, she's very mature, as is he, its mutual she's a 4.0 studuent who works hard for it, as well as a EXTREMELY talented athelte. We met in health class, each day was a new adventure she was always polite, and never judged anyone, she talks to everyone. She has her own crowd but welcomes me in. That summer I became somewhat attached to her.

As I said it was exactly romantic, I'm a better man then to even think about hitting on a women who is in a realtionship espcially such a serious one.

We began talking on the phone, strictly as friends. To make a long story short, I think the world of her, I can't say she does me, I'm alwas making the effort to talk,chat, and such.

I notified her of my problems, she was very supportive....until I almost ruined it. The one thing most of you don't know about me is my fear of "losing" someone, by death, by frriendship , or love. I've lost way to much of that, its scary.

I msged her on myspace which is what we talk on mostly because we dont see each other at school, basicly I got scared, sitting alone in a room drives the mind insane in ways you couldnt imagine. After sending the msg and getting a angry reply I called, apologized and then soon thought of my first suicide attempt.

To that day I'm living in fear of loosing her....I live to see her smile which makes me smile. Regardless of the immaturity to think suicide over a person I still think it. I still write her, she doesnt seem to mind, altho I think she does, do you think she does?

I know I'm a bad person, I'm afraid this depression, this mental illness has made not only my personal life terrible but my public display, im drifting, im not wanting anything more then friendship out of anyone, but will they even give it the way i need it? Or can they?

I'm sorry for the rant, thanks for listening