We started out today just talking about psychoanalysis in general. Told him how I had wanted to make sure when I was in a therapy that would reflect the type of work I want to do someday. Talked about different types of analysis, and the McWilliams analysis book I'm reading right now.... It was nice just talking like that. Not about me. Just about the theories and such. The notion of a diagnosis vs. a framework. My 'perfect fantasy' about my T involves us just sitting and hanging out, having an in depth conversation about psychoanalysis, etc... So this was as close as it ever came to fulfilling that, lol. (In the fantasy, I don't pay him, lol)

After a little while of talking about my impulse control (or there lack of), I begin to tell him how sometimes I feel like I'm not cut out for marriage. I tell him how a lot of the time I just don't care a whole lot about other people. I tell him how I feel like this is really wrong and defective. I was telling him how I couldn't even bring myself to go back to NY for my best friend's son's christening. He brought up the notion of how stuff with babies tends to bother me. I tell him how I don't think I could ever have children-- how I saw a mother, father, and their baby in the supermarket. The mom said to the baby, "You're so cute" and kissed her. I felt like throwing canned vegetables at them. I told T that I am trying to accept the fact that I wll never have anything like that. T said that it often seems that I am grieving. I told him that this is true-- that I often grieve and mourn for things I have not lost yet. He said, "Or something you have already lost." And that really got to me. Because he's right. I had started to think of my father, and how I constantly fear losing him. I began to have really vivid anxiety images of being at my father's funeral, etc. I told T about this and we talked some more about these perceived losses.

The end of the session was pretty much there. I felt myself getting really disconnected as I knew we were about to end. I told T, "I want you to know that something isn't right. I can't exactly pinpoint what it is, but I know that it is itowards you." I told him that I was getting angry that the session was about to end. That the minute I left his office I would be disconnected. That it is a beautiful day, and it's Friday, and I won't be able to enjoy it because of what I feel like when I leave. I told him that the only time I ever feel connected is when I'm with him.

He told me over and over that it's okay to be angry with him. He said that it is a beautiful Friday and that if he had to sit with someone who was bringing out all of these upsetting feelings, resulting in him being unable to enjoy the evening, he would be angry, too.

He said that we would work on taking a little piece from the each session to help me stay connected. He said that in between now and Tuesday, I can leave him messages if I need to. He told me that if I feel mad at him I can call up his voicemail and if I want, say, "This is Robyn. I don't want you to listen to the rest of this message right now....." and that I can say whatever I want to say to him, and he won't listen if I don't want him to. That we can listen together at the next session. And you know what? I trust that he wouldn't listen, if I said at the beginning of the message, that I didn't want him to. Then he said, "Or you can just call and go right into it and say, Hi, you %#@&#! %#@&#!." He must have told me a million times that I can leave him messages if I want to. Or I can write. He told me that I can write, and bring it in and read it, or I can bring it in, and crumple it up in front of him if I need to. He was trying in every way possible, to help me stay connected. To keep me safe.

I have never felt someone understand me on such a deep level before. He is truly an amazing person. I spent a lot of time looking directly into his eyes. But it is so %#@&#! painful. After I left, I tried to find the comfort in what had just taken place, but instead, all I felt was pain. I felt the type of pain when someone you love has just been ripped away from you. I hate this disconnect.

So often when I am with him, I try to play the adult. Today I felt like the child. But I felt like I was cared for. The hardest part-- I need him so much, it hurts. The connection was almost too much to bear. And I guess I was feeling so much at the end of the session-- anger and abandonment just for the simple fact that the session was over. I cannot help that reaction.

I want to badly, to be able to keep what I felt when I was with him. The tears came the second I walked out of the room.