Do you have a person IRL that you can talk to about this. A therapist or doctor maybe. As you probably know what you are doing is very dangerous and could have a lot of drastic long term affects on your body.

I know what you mean about doing something but not really wanting to but it almost feels like you need it. It can give you a sense of control when you have none.

I really think you should talk to a T though. If you don't get past emotional issues behind this, chances are you won't get past this problem.

Good luck

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))