hey. i like the abstract conversations about process too. i find that (when all goes well) there is an understanding connection. an adult kind of connection. that is a need i have as well as the more childlike kinds of connection.

> I tell him how a lot of the time I just don't care a whole lot about other people.

when people are feeling pain / distress then that tends to capture their attention such that it is indeed hard to focus on and care about others. it can also be scary to care about others because caring means they have the power to hurt. i quite often think that i don't feel like i care for them because i'm repressing the caring because i'm afraid of them hurting me.

> I tell him how I don't think I could ever have children-- how I saw a mother, father, and their baby in the supermarket. The mom said to the baby, "You're so cute" and kissed her. I felt like throwing canned vegetables at them.

i feel the same. sometimes i feel mad for what i never had. sometimes i feel so much pain and grief it feels like my heart is breaking. i don't think i'm ever going to have kids either.

> I often grieve and mourn for things I have not lost yet. He said, "Or something you have already lost." And that really got to me. Because he's right.

yeah. when i was little i didn't know what was wrong. something felt wrong but i didn't know what it was. something was lost but i didn't know what it was because i had never had it.

the phone stuff sounded great. hang in there.