It's embarrassing for me to say this but I feel really affected by Robin Williams' death. I've already been very depressed for several months and have been resorting to drugs and isolation to cope. In the past week though I have felt even worse. I can't really explain it, I don't know why the sudden death of Robin Williams has caused this in me but I have heard of the Werther Effect, I just don't know how that really works. All I know is that in the past week I have begun to contemplate suicide, I have been reading "a practical guide to suicide" and I have noticed how my perspectives on life have changed drastically for the worse. I have felt already for a long time that I can't see good in myself, I see no hope for a peaceful future, and I feel that I have given up on life. Most of my motivation for living I attribute to the momentary relief I feel in self-destruction. Now all of those negative thoughts and feelings have escalated to an unbearable measure.

I've been involved in the Christian faith for a long time but I had been going through a period of doubt for several months, I feel that what I have been experiencing as of late has pushed me over the edge. Yesterday I had a clear experience of saying a final prayer to God and now I feel that I am becoming agnostic. I will lose all of my close relationships if I tell them I no longer want to participate in the Christian faith but I also feel an obligation to be honest with them, and myself.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that all of this has come from the suicide of a high profile individual. I don't understand it but I know it's definitely what has triggered me down this path. Now I don't know how to stop it as it seems to be getting worse, not better. But I am still making an effort, for now.