alex, thanks for your long post and especially for posting it a second time after it got eaten the first attempt. Most of what you suggested doesn't ring true for my situation, however, although I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Yes, my T did want to do couples therapy, and very strongly. I know him well enough to know he was not faking.

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your main reason for not wanting to do couples therapy with him was fear that he would side with your husband over you and that you would lose his support

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No, my main reason for dreading couples therapy was that I don't want any emotional connection with my husband and I was afraid I would just lose it in the therapy room with my T present, because I have gotten so used to being honest and genuine with him in that space. I was terrified I would break down and show my husband my pain. And I don't want to share that with him. No, my T did not start considering the negatives of couples therapy only after I agreed to do it. We discussed both pros and cons a number of times over the last months. It's just that suddenly he granted the cons some merit. But they were certainly not new to him or me.

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i'm thinking though that he doesn't want you to simply come into line with what he thinks is best

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No, I want to do what is best for me. There have been other times I sought my T's approval but this is not one of them. This is too important to my life and happiness to let concerns about my therapist get in the way. He tried really hard to convince me to do couples therapy and finally, he won me over and I did indeed see the benefit he was touting. I still see it, but with his loss of desire to be the T for this, the benefit is lost, if that makes sense.

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did you have to come into line with what your parents thought best in order for them to approve of you?

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No, I was quite the rebel and was very independent. Sorry, no transference in this instance!

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when you think your decision is in agreement with what he thinks best then you feel happy and connected and safe

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No, doesn't fit again. We don't have to agree for me to feel connection. I am connected to him when we have a rapport in session, when he sits closer to me and we connect and there is interplay in our talk and thoughts, when he is strongly empathetic and directs his energy at me. Didn't happen last session. I miss him.