I completely relate. My brain did the same to me in my last depression. But they are lies. Vicious lies.

I know you think you can't go inpatient right now and I am unlikely to change your mind. Do you have an IOP or partial hospital program around you? They could help get your meds stabilized faster. You could still be home at night.

I always do the same thing when I am suffering. I refuse to go Inpatient until something terrible happens. I don't want anything terrible to happen to you. You think inpatient would screw everything up but I think being dead would screw everything up more. But I know I can't convince you.

Stay safe. They are lies. Don't believe them.