I have no life to get back to. I don't see any way forward from where I am. I had several specific long term goals, but what set me off on my ongoing episode was how I was forced to realize that they are all outside of what is currently possible.

It's not even about starting over, it's as if I've never been able to start living. I've always been too damned unstable, depressed, or otherwise unable to effectively function.

I really have no clear idea of what I can do to be someone who won't eventually commit suicide. Nothing to go back to; nothing to live for - I satiate my boredom and sense of helplessness by fantasizing about suicide now. I don't feel depressed and there are plenty of things I know I could enjoy if they were not out of reach. I'm just so tired of trying so hard and getting almost nothing in return.

My world collapsed. All my efforts to try to build a life turned to ash, and then, after that event, my mind was consumed by depression. It's just gone. I don't know where to even start from at this point as there aren't any pieces to pick up.

I've been doing what I can to become stable. These efforts seem to have been quite effective. I believe I'm in recovery, but not able to really recover as there's nothing for me to recover to. I'm running out of ideas...patience, and it's so comforting to imagine no longer existing in this state. Some nights when I'm trying to go to sleep I think about just getting up and going, right then, to act on the only idea I have confidence in anymore. I think, **** sleep because **** waking up to this - just go; go and finally be gone.