Hello. Just earlier today I found a link talking about PTSD, and it made me think about it for the first time. I am not in therapy and I take everything I consider about myself with a grain of salt, since I'm not a professional.

I kind of feel silly thinking about PTSD since I have never even considered it before, but it made me remember the fact that I have some memory blanks. Three of my grandparents all died slow deaths of various diseases around when I was 15 years old, which was followed by my dad having cancer and my parents getting divorced. I don't remember what they died from and I don't remember more than a very vague flash of a memory from that time period. If I remember some of the good memories from them I end up bawling until I can manage to stop thinking about it (and even those memories are vague and I don't know how much is a memory and how much is a memory of a story my parents told me).

It's been somewhere around 8 years since then. I feel like I've always had a bad memory, and I don't normally have a reason to try and remember the bits that I can't remember. Also, I'm not sure how good of memory people are supposed to have of when they were 15. Then I remember having a good memory when I was younger (I memorized all of the original Pokemon and I could remember a set of initials mentioned once in the middle of a 600-page book). So, maybe that changed.

I also have an intense fear of hospitals and doctors. I occasionally dissociate, feeling like the world is not quite real or too real. I have intense anxiety that seems to focus around affection, such as a fear of kisses. I have trouble socializing if I don't have a script to follow.

So, does this sound anything like PTSD or did I jump to conclusions? I know that I'd need to see a doctor for an official diagnosis, but thanks for listening!