I have decided that I have terrorized this board with my little problems for long enough. I will not be talking about them any more.

Everyone seems to think my problems are bigger than anyone else's. They are pathetically small, because my problem affects only me and no one else, unless I choose to disturb someone else with it. This I have done since May and it's time I stopped.

The problem with my problem is that it's in my face 24 hours a day and there's no escape from it. If something small is in your face all the time, it looks huge to the person being attacked, but not so huge to someone else.

I should just keep my mouth shut and let this pain bore into me. I can do that; bear the pain without disturbing anyone. There is nothing I can do for it anyway and yapping about it isn't helping. Writing poetry isn't helping. Writing to Doug isn't helping. I should just crawl into bed and keep my mouth shut until I see a surgeon. I should keep my mouth shut for good. The world will go on just fine if I were to disappear. I won't bother you or anyone else with my problems. They don't matter anyway. It doesn't matter that I'm lonely, but it's easy to see why. I yap too much about my problems.

It's really nothing to me. Pain is nothing new to me. It's getting boring actually. I have nothing to yap or suicide about. My pain only affects me, it doesn't affect anyone else. No one else is going to suffer from it, so I should just shut up and see that they don't suffer.

My loneliness doesn't affect anyone else either, so why should Doug be concerned? It's all about me, me, me, and I should shut up before it's too late. Why should a saint care for that matter either? I'm just some disabled brat on welfare, like a thousand disabled brats on welfare with nothing to offer the world.The world won't stop if I were to disappear tonight, there would be just one more apartment for someone to take. Someone else would get my stuff (which doesn't amount to much) and life would go on.

Ask the government if it gives a hoot if I have a job or not. Chances are, they don't care. If I were to disappear, it would save them a mess of money.

I have no children to provide for, no husband, so why not disappear? I can just go into radio silence and none of you will have to listen to me yap on and on. Other people are getting on with their lives on this board, I should too. Except I don't have a life that's worth the toilet paper I wipe my butt with.

That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. The sad thing is, it's my own stinking fault. There is a quadraplegic MP sitting in the House of Commons. That could be me. But I'm too busy wallowing in self-pity to give a hoot. I wasted my life for 11 years and have now been rewarded for my efforts. I slept for that period of time and now I can stay in bed for the rest of my life, because God has determined that that's what I want to do. Just lie there and wallow.

I think that enough energy has been wasted on me and my problems. Personally, the energy spent by my mother bringing me into the world was a waste. I did not deserve the effort spent raising me, or should I say grief? I repaid their efforts by walking out on them. I am getting just what I deserve for that: Physical pain for the rest of my life. It's pain that affects no one else, which is why so little effort has been put into controlling it.

I'm just some wench who flunked out of university and that was my own fault too. Why should anyone care what happens to me now?

My writing's no great shakes either. I just write about pain and suffering and suicide. No one gives a hoot! No editor would read it and neither would anyone else. I deserve to go broke in the writing game. I'm just some hack who sits up all night, juiced on morphine and writing this stuff. No one would give my work a second look.

Why should anyone care that it hurts too much to get dressed? The sun will still come up in the morning. Life goes on. It doesn't affect anyone else, so why am I making it someone else's problem by writing to Doug about it? It's not like I'm dying from it or I'm going to die from it. I am going to live a long, miserable, pathetic, lonely life and the only one that it will affect will be me. SO WHY BOTHER ANYONE WITH IT????? Why even pray about it? Why even get up out of bed any more? The pain will take care of itself if I stay in bed. No one expects that much of me anyway. I'm just some disabled brat on welfare, There are a thousand like me and we won't amount to a dime in this life. So why should you care? I don't matter. You all have families or will one day. I will never have anyone and it's my own bloody fault.

I made this bed. Now let me lie in it. Pretend I never came here. Pretend I don't exist. Everyone else does.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
<div class="foot">(Edited by hamstergirl on 08/15/04 10:50 PM.)</div>