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I have been severely suicidal, in full despair, hopeless, even numb and frozen the last few days. It triggered a massive self harming event. I cause blunt force trauma to my face and head giving myself a black eye. The SI, for me, stops the actual suicide event. It has never made any sense to me but I suppose some pain and bruises is better than dead.
I definitely learned from this last crisis that it is all triggered from loneliness, feeling abandoned, and the inner critic telling me I am never going to make anything of myself. I am going to fail at my dreams so why bother living. Almost 2 years of therapy and I am still like this. I am not asking to me normal....normal is boring...I am just asking not to constantly be in so much inner turmoil and pain all the damn time.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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