It can take a while to figure out what is behind out turmoil... you said you learned what's behind it this time. That's a huge step! Can you take what you learned with you to therapy and try to figure out what others ways to get the same relief?
Also, I can relate on the si interrupting the suicidal spiral. That is one of the biggest things I get out of my own si... Hope you can be a little more (emotionally) gentle with yourself... Sending love.