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sidony said:
But sometimes it seems sad to me that the parts of life that seem so normal to other people feel like such alien ideas to me.

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I couldn't have said it better myself.

Sometimes I am happy with who I am-- fairly strange, quirky, intense, would rather read a book about psychoanalysis or write a poem than go out and do something "fun." Not good at making friends, but often content with being by myself or with my husband.

But sometimes I look at what seems normal-- going out with friends, being stupid and girly, watching the same TV shows that everyone else watches, relating to other females, wanting to have children. I don't know. I get sad for what I will never have. Wish I was less intense at times. Wouldn't hurt so much. Used to obsess about having a baby. Would have repetitive dreams about being pregnant and being so happy about it, but never going to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy. Told T about the dreams.... then one day, the want stopped. Can't even imagine being a mother, caring about someone else that much. Sort of disgusts me. Very childish-- sometimes feeling like I don't want another person involved in the relationship between me and my husband. Lucky that I married someone who isn't that keen on having children. He will say, "If we ever have a kid...." But I am lucky that I didn't marry someone whose goal is to have children, or I'd be in trouble... I am too caught up in the notion right now that I am the child. Don't want my place taken. Was sitting outside on my stoop yesterday after therapy. All the kids were outside playing. I was sort of feeling heartbroken, ripped from my therapist, all because the session had to end. I wanted to read. The kids were talking to me, and then one little girl from down the block, about 4 yrs. old, sat next to me. Really close, almost cuddling with me. She wanted to ask me if I liked breakfast. It was so innocent. Felt nice, almost comforting, in a way. Didn't know what to make of it.