There is always heaviness, in my brain, in my chest. My brain full of thoughts and my chest full of feeling, like water moving when I move that never seems to fully be still even when I am still. Yes, I’m depressed, clinically depressed, on medication, surely not doing any effect, which is why I’m here, to share some of myself, to reveal myself in search.
I should begin to say that I’ve always been an anxious guy, even as a child. I remember I used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming. I was no more than five or six, but as I think about it in hindsight it all makes sense. My mother was having horrible panic attacks at the time. It was perhaps destined for me to inherit her anxiety and depression, but saying that contradicts my long-life philosophy- that which one must decide his or her own life. But this is an amazing world, and I am learning that settling on an idea, concept, or belief can be a dangerous compromise. We are an ever changing species in an ever changing world. I find this fascinating. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, even when every fiber of my being says that tomorrow will be as bleak and heavy as today. But what do I know? And I’m comfortable with that. I like mystery, but my problem is that I’m impatient. Whatever comes I’ll take. Yes, even this, this heaviness, because pain is life and life is beauty.
So, what is making me depressed? About a girl I must say. Silly, right? Yeah, the love that can’t be. But it is deeper than that. I’ve never had a real relationship. I’ve never had a lot of friends. I mostly keep everything to myself. I’m not very social, so it was always difficult to ask a girl out. In high school, I never went to parties or rock shows. It was simply me, by myself, and even when I went to college nothing really changed. I made very few friends, two to be exact, and I think they are the only true friends that I have. The reality is that I haven’t lived a day in my life. What is the point in excelling in school when I lack perhaps the most important thing in the world? I lack human connection. I long for human connection now. Maybe that is why I’m depressed. I started grad school with this idea engraved in my mind. I think it backfired.
I started talking to a girl, just a beautiful, captivating girl. My mistake was to put in my own mind that she could be the girl for me. We studied a lot together. We’ve talked about philosophy, our aspirations, and I truly believed that she could be the one. We’ve spent a lot of time together that some of our peers actually thought we were dating. This gave me hope because maybe they saw something I didn’t. Maybe she talked about me as someone special, but maybe it was just my vivid imagination. She said she liked talking to me, that she liked spending time with me. She actually took me out for my birthday, just her and me, but at this point I knew she had a boyfriend. She has a boyfriend. And of course this killed me. I put a bullet in my head from the beginning without realizing it (this is metaphorically speaking). When I think that she’s with him completely kills me. I guess it is jealousy, I know it’s jealousy. I’ve come to the realizations these couple of days that I should forget about her. It’s for the best, I know. My mistake was to believe that I had a chance, even when I knew she is in a relationship. The whole transition could be easier if I wasn’t prone to depression, my life-long anxiety and depression. This isn’t something major, I understand that. Other stories are devastating, a matter of life and death. It’s my life nonetheless, and it hurts at this moment. Truly I have said very little about my situation at this moment. There is much more than this that is making me “heavy.” I hope to reveal more later on if you keep giving me the opportunity. Solitude hurts my friends.