It seems like I just keep upping the ante when it comes to self harm.

After graduating from cutting to burning, I really tried to get things under control and I stopped self harm all together. I haven't cut in 151 days and I haven't burned for about a year. For whatever reason, I lost it yesterday and was feeling horrible. I keep a multipurpose tool (it's like a knife, pliers, screwdriver pocketknife thing) in my car and instead of using it to cut, I tried to break my fingers. When folded up it's rather heavy. It's made of a durable stainless steel. So I just kept it folded and started hammering away at my fingers. It hurt so bad but it felt so good...

I felt myself getting to this dangerous place and I eventually stopped. The more I hammered away at my fingers the less pain I felt and the better I felt. But I was getting to this dangerous place where I knew had I kept going I was truly going to break them. I realized I didn't have an excuse for how I would have broken them so I just quit.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I just wish the urges would go away and that all of this would be done. I think I hate self harm just as much as I love it.

Sigh.