Mowtown, while it can be strange to learn about the different areas where you struggle, in all honesty most people do have these spots when they were challenged in some way and learned to work around in their lives. Robin Williams for example, while he said he had supportive parents, he did endure bullying because he was smaller than the other boys in school. I am sure that is something he had to contend with for a while and imo he found ways to overcome that where he could be larger/bigger/bolder and he developed that by using comedy. It is my opinion, from what I have learned by "listening" to other people in my life, that people carry these "hurt" parts from their childhoods all their lives and they tend to bargain with themselves emotionally in private ways that people around them don't realize about them. But, if you really pay attention you can get so you can see the different kinds of compensations in people. A lot of the different "stars" are actually quite small if you get a chance to see them in person. Frank Sinatra who seemed so large on screen, was a really small man in person and when he was younger he was also very thin and not very manly at all. Danny Devito, he is a really "small" man but he can burst onto the silver screen with such a presence too.

One of the programs I loved to watch was the programs where I got to see the history/biography of people who became famous, be it presidents or celebrities or successful people of some kind. We have this ideal of what life should be like where one finds the perfect match, gets married and lives happily ever after, however, while these individuals play these parts, rarely do they actually live them IRL. And a lot of these larger than life individuals had something very challenging happen to them in their childhoods too. Consider Kennedy for example, he was a very sickly child, lived his life in constant pain and had to constantly cover that up. His father had many affairs, so did he.

For myself, because I had no choice but to be there while my older brother endured so much abuse on that school bus every day and I had to endure that from the minute I first stepped foot on that bus at such a young age, I learned from a very young age a lot about that "hidden" pain that takes place. I got to know my father and what that "hurt" part in him was, I got to know my mother and in that I got to learn about her hidden childhood hurts too. I also got to see how they both compensated for these "hurt" parts too, compensated and ways they didn't really realize.

Honestly Mowtown, I really think there is a "kind of" complex PTSD in a lot of people and all that has to take place is some kind of event that rocks that inner world so much that the person's way of creating that private balancing act of "bargaining" gets very rattled and the person struggles like we struggle. Actually, you mentioned how you began to notice that when you took some time and read a lot of the different posts here in the PC forums. Yes, while there are a lot of different labels, the bottom line is a lot of people had needs that were not met for some reason and these people struggle with "how to bargain" with these challenged areas where they can gain a sense of "living their lives with some kind of personal balance". We have our childhoods and the rest of our lives we are in some way trying to recover from whatever it was that we did not get in our childhoods, whatever that "missing part" was that we were always told to not show others and instead put on this public image that presented the "everything is good" in our home environment.

Robin Williams did struggle with "anxiety and depression" most of his life and while he was very gifted in how he was extremely creative in "bargaining" with that deep "hurt" that presented him with that part that "hurt", he never really "healed" that hurt. It has been stated that he "may" have had bipolar that challenged him, but is that really "true"?
As you have learned first hand with PTSD, what takes place is a kind of "racing thoughts" and a kind of "hyper aware", and that can "look like" manic episodes of bipolar but is not.
And IMHO, from what I witnessed and also experienced first hand with "bullying" in my own childhood, that can really create a "deep injury" in a child. While children can be quite resiliant and thrive in spite of some big challenges, it doesn't mean these deep injuries actually "go away".

For myself, I learned this from a very early age and a lot of people have told me that I seem to have some kind of "gift" for seeing these hurt parts and helping different people or children and "how do I just know"? Well, while I do see it, and have tried to be helpful and understanding, as you can see in my thread, I have struggled between being understanding and yet getting hurt. While my husband can be a really "nice guy" and he has worked hard and we do have things because of how hard he worked, he has been a big challenge to live with. And I definitely have this deep inner challenge of trying to appreciate the efforts he has made to be sober and do better and be a better person, yet he still has this part of him that hurts and challenges me. It has only been this year that I finally had help with understanding what this "challenging" part means. I don't want to make is seem like people with "compulsive ADHD" are bad or toxic people either. But, I wish I had been able to have help with that part, I wish "he" had been able to have help with that part too. What I have talked about in my thread is how I have had to deal with that kind of challenge in someone "all of my life" too. The truth is, both of these individuals were "exhausting" to live with. Both of these individuals pretty much were in constant motion until they crashed and fell asleep, yet try sleeping next to one, it's hard because even in their sleep they tend to thrash around.

While I opened up and talked about it in my thread, I have felt like get it out, let it out, but don't let this person see it and it is important to try to hide it so this person doesn't somehow get hurt by the wrong person seeing it and stigmatizing him. It took me a while to explain all this to my T and my T wonders how I manage to work all this out in my brain. He said to me one day, "Wow, that was a lot for you to manage, how on earth did you manage, and get through all of what you have shared?". Well, it was nice that for the first time "ever" someone could "see me", yet at the same time his reaction scared me too. The truth is, I really struggle with managing that challenge now. I guess the reason "why" I struggle "now" is that I can see how "fragile" my husband is and when I see that it frightens me now because I am not as "strong" as I used to be. My T has told me that my husband should really be getting help for this challenge, and my fear is that if he does get that help, everything may just come crashing down and I am not "strong" enough to pick up the pieces if it does. And I had already seen him totally crash once and just go to bed and not function for over a month and how I only managed that financially because I had managed to get a hurt horse to heal enough to be able to sell so I could pay our bills. I was very scared when I went through that, had no therapist to help me and I was really struggling with the PTSD and was "alone" too. I know what is means to "break" and struggle first hand so I have to be honest, if he broke, I don't know what would happen. That was another thing I had worried about when he decided to go to his class reunion. Because I had managed to pull him away from all that, I was very worried about him going back and being able to see how toxic it really was kind of like when people distance from their dysfunctional families and then go back and visit and finally see how bad it really was and how it can impact them in some bad ways.

Well, my point for you Mowtown, is that while this is definitely a challenge for you, it is important that you recognize that whatever you come across that somehow rattles or tires you out, it is important to understand that a lot of people have these "spots" and a lot of people disassociate from these trouble spots too. It is "ok" that you finally get to actually learn how to understand these areas in yourself, and actually "heal" instead of feeling like you have to run away from "just being human" with challenges that a lot of people have, not just you.

The thing about "suicidal thoughts" is not that someone should really just give up either, no one deserves to experience that. However, what that ususally means is that when a person has those thoughts, typically it is because they feel that no one will understand how deeply they are troubled, that is how I felt. However, I was wrong because the truth is, that since I have been finally talking about "who OE" really is and "why", I have found that "others" have similar deep challenges just like me and that when someone keeps silent, then these challenges never get exposed to where they can be better understood and society can learn something from it to where "improvements" can happen and people can get "help" earlier in their lives so your hurts and my hurts can not only be helped, but eventually "prevented".

You were at a point where you seriously considered ending and so was I. But we both were able to walk away and we both reached out for help too. And we both know it has not been easy since we made that choice to reach out for help too. We come here and talk about it, at times we are supportive with others who also have that challenge here on the boards. However, Mowtown, the truth is there are people who read what we are sharing all the time, people that read what we write that are not even members but in their desperation are searching the net and our conversations pop up and these people can see "they are not alone" and we have no idea how many times that conversation may be the one thing that motivates someone else to seek help or hang on or finds some kind of relief.

We have also shared how we were "failed" by the Mental Health providers too, but you can also read how these very professionals will say, "You never really know what is going on in someone's mind" right? Well, that is true, however, if people who struggle don't talk about what is going on in their minds, how are these Mental Health Professionals going to "learn"? You and I both reached out for help and that help made us both feel we were "criminals" somehow for struggling. Well, that wont change or improve unless we talk about it. You shared how Bipolar gets over diagnosed too, well, again that wont change unless it is discussed and professionals learn to spend more time with patients before just diagnosing Bipolar.

While you are working on your healing and sharing Mowtown, you are becoming a part of the "solution" instead of just giving up or in to the problem. And quite honestly? That urge to talk? That is what it is designed for, that is how human beings learn to improve and understand in order to "thrive" better.

When you talk about how "suicidal thoughts" are still there in a flutter from time to time, I have that too. It is not as intense as it was when I almost acted on it, but when I have some very challenging things take place, a flutter of those thoughts still take place and often that is connected to a deep inner fear that I have. I believe what that means is that something has triggered one of my "hurt spots" and I get a spike in anxiety and I struggle. I have learned that when I lay down and relax for a bit, that feeling goes away.
Sometimes I experience a bad PTSD cycle when I am triggered too, I have learned to wait it out, that once that cycle ends I can have a chance to intellectualize it better and understand what it means better too. The healing comes from slowly working through whatever "hurts" are there and learning how to be "patient" in that process.

My T keeps reminding me to remember that the brain has pasticity to it, and that I can learn to slowly overcome a lot of my challenges but that it is going to take me some time.
I admit that I do get impatient with that process, I "do" have a lot of deeply hurt areas that I am becoming more "aware of". I am learning all the time, it is a lot of work too.
Perhaps as we continue to talk and share, we will continue to help others in ways we may never know. It's just a part of our journey and the truth is, "we are not alone with that challenge".

OE