To be clear, the former paramour I am referring to and I only had one sexual encounter. I do not mention this in an attempt to diminish the seriousness of the infidelity. However, I feel that the words “paramour” or “mistress” imply a long-term extramarital sexual relationship; this was not the case. I apologize if you find a reference to frequency crass, however I felt this detail may influence the advice I am requesting and therefore I thought it would be careless to exclude it.

To give you a little background on the relationship, my former paramour and I have been friends for a number of years, nearly a decade, and have always shared a mutual attraction. We almost dated once in college but she ended up getting back together with her ex and I started dating my now wife.

During my last bout of depression (from which I am still recovering), I made a terrible decision a slept with my friend. I did this for a number of reasons, none of which I am proud of, and nearly ruined our friendship and ended my marriage. I told my wife the night that it happened. It was never a secret from her.

I take full responsibility for the infidelity and I request that you keep any comments you may have regarding the infidelity itself to yourself. I am aware that I have made a terrible mistake. I am asking this question here because I believe this to be a safe space and I feel so much shame over my affair that I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about it.

To keep things as short as possible, I will skip to the state of affairs now.

After months of working on ourselves and our relationship, my wife and I are in decent place. The affair is what made me realize that I needed help and gave me the motivation to go back into treatment for my depression. Our marriage is better than it has been in over a year.

The friendship however is suffering. I have seen my friend twice since our indiscretion and we have texted a handful of times. My friend started dating someone fairly quickly after sleeping with me and this relationship has recently ended (the two times I have seen her were once at the beginning of her new relationship to talk about the state of my depression and once since it ended to catchup).

My wife is supportive of whatever I decide regarding maintaining or ending the friendship. She trusts me, I have no idea why, and wants me to do what is best for me. However, she has expressed concerns with a pattern that she has noticed with the friendship. My friend is the type of person that defines themselves by the relationship they are in. She devotes her life to her partner. Needless to say, I only really see her when she is single. She was single and lonely when we almost dated in college and then dropped me when she got back together with her ex. She was single and lonely when the affair happened and then dropped me again, after learning the full extent of my depression and saying she would be there for me, when she entered the new relationship. Now that she is single and lonely again here she is to talk.

I do not make friends easily and do not have any other friends that I am close to at the moment. I do not want to lose her. I do care about her but I am not sure if the relationship is good for me or my marriage.

I would appreciate any advice regarding if I should attempt to maintain the friendship or not. If not, I would appreciate further advice regarding how to end the friendship.


I would like to apologize for the long post. Thank you in advance for any guidance you can offer.