*TRIGGER/ talk of sui urges*

I don't quite know why but the last week has been an avalanche of suicidal thoughts, after months of being mostly free of them. I was tested for a pretty serious disease a few weeks ago, which I thought I handled well at the time, but now I feel a bit defeated. The doctors (and they're good 'uns, so I know I'm lucky) are fairly certain I don't have this other disease (there are no absolutes) just that my original one needs careful monitoring.

Everything seems bleak again. I love my job but now I'm dreading going in and can't focus, so am scared I'll be sacked but then it would almost be a relief because I just want to lie in bed and opt out of consciousness by sleeping as much as possible. It's like sleep is a compromise between suicide and actually living a life, and I know the former is a bad idea because things might get better, but I'm too exhausted to engage fully with the latter.

I feel like I can't take much more of this before I crack for real. Nothing makes any difference - I got the job of my dreams and I'm still messing everything up, still as lonely as ever. The job feels like it means nothing even though I know I love it which doesn't even make sense. I desperately need my mother and she's dead, I miss my best friend who I fell out with at Christmas - we were both vile to each other in very different ways, I've reached out twice now and she ignores me so I have to accept she doesn't want the friendship to be healed.

I can't form relationships that mean anything apart from a fortnightly catch up coffee/ party, and it is always going to be like this. I thought I could hide from my loneliness in my work but I can't it's still there, still just as present, ironically maybe because the work I do is all about trying to make the world a better place and my colleagues wonderful people (we do lots of stuff with nonprofits) and I end up feeling like a fraud and an alien because I don't even know how to make the world a better place for myself.

Today I've been trying and trying and trying. Desperate to self harm as a kind of treat to make it easier - not doing it. Thinking about binge eating, not doing it either. I have some valium and it's not working. Desperate then because NOTHING is working. At least when I had an eating disorder I could fixate on that and it was a relief. Now I know if I binge eat it won't give me relief.

I was supposed to have a pdoc appointment (new person, specializing in mental health for people who have my long term condition) tomorrow, scheduled months ago, which was cancelled on Friday, and put back til mid September.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she was very well attuned to where I was in terms of hopelessness and pain. She touched my cheek when I was leaving, and then called me back and asked if I wanted a hug, which I couldn't do, but the fact she offered warmed me and made me feel a whisper of love, as opposed to pain or being a stone with no feelings. When I got home, I discovered she had sent me an email link to this thing about the law of attraction and how to get the life you want. Therapy is great but not enough. Nothing's enough. If nothing is ever going to be enough does that not mean it's just time to take the ****ing overdose already? I know that's not true, but it feels like the only truth that ever was, right now.