I took a break from PC because I felt like I was just going around in circles and people were getting fed up of my questioning the same things and that I was wasting people's time reading and replying to my posts. But also I've lately realised that I need to figure out what is going on and what to do about it on my own; that I shouldn't give power to strangers on the Internet (or healthcare professionals, family, friends IRL) to define me. It's not that I don't value you guys as friends, or your experiences as helpful, it's just I have been putting too much weight onto individual opinions, like the pdoc who said I was faking automatically meant that I was faking but didn't know.

I thought the 'answer' was to avoid PC until I was certain what was going on and what I wanted to do about it, but maybe that's avoidance, idk? But I've missed hearing about you all, though I have read bits a few times. So what I'm going to try to do is just write how I feel and stop expecting you guys to tell me what's going on. And if I forget, because I'm only human, maybe you could remind me that it's what I think that counts?!

Anyway, I'm currently working with a T and trying to figure out what is going on. I've told him that I'm not interested in his 'diagnosis' and so far we've settled on 'North is Lost' (after the poem I wrote a few weeks ago). The biggest problem right now is that I've lost my core self/gut feeling ('North') and I've been trying to get others to tell me who I am when they can't possibly do that. But also the noise frequency has been SO LOUD 24/7 since I went away with my family for a few days about a fortnight (that's 2 weeks in American!) ago, presumably as punishment, and my disability review is coming up in just over a month so the surveillance is more intense. And I've been struggling with motivation more, probably because I deferred Uni again and my self-esteem took another hit it could ill afford, but I have tried to push through this and have signed up for a few little courses, but I also keep climbing back into bed in the middle of the day when I get overwhelmed. A work in progress, shall we say! Lol

I hope everyone is doing ok. I've missed chatting to you all And welcome to all the new people

*Willow*