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pinksoil said:
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sunrise said:

I am so impressed by how honest and direct you were able to be with him, how quickly you were able to sense something was amiss and verbalize it. I have the problem that I often don't feel what is wrong (or right) about therapy until after the session is over. Then I realize I am upset or sad or bewildered or whatever. I really look up to you for being able to sense your own feelings in the moment. How do you do that?

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Thanks, Sunny. Maybe you are able to sense your own feelings in the moment-- just not ready to recognize them yet. I believe that we know what we are feeling-- but it's up to our unconscious to decide if we are ready to recognize it. I think that I have started to feel safe enough with him that I can recognize and admit my feelings in the moment. It's difficult, especially when it has to do with anger towards him. It helps because he is so in tune with my emotions in the moment.

He told me yesterday that he can feel what I am feeling.

Sun, I think you said you have cried a bit in front of your T. If I am correct about this, then you have sensed your emotions in the moment. There is no deeper way to say, "I am sad," and to have him join you in that feeling.

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Thanks, pinksoil. That made me feel good to have you point that out. I guess I have cried with him, so I can sense my feelings sometimes. I liked what you wrote about the unconscious. I think that is partly what is happening.

That is wonderful what your T said about how he can feel what you are feeling.

Very interesting the discussion on children. I always wanted to have kids. I think I wanted to create the relationship with my kids that I never had with my own parents. There was something healing in it. I was never one of those to coo over other people's babies before I had kids, but I loved mine dearly and of course, still do. I've taken 3 road trips recently with my oldest daughter and we have had the best time. There are moments of total honesty and connection, and it just warms me so to know we have this and to experience it. Of course, there are a lot of disconnected moments too (as with any teenager!), but what we have is so much more than what I ever had with my mother. I would throw myself in front of a truck for her, or for my other daughter too.

That said, I definitely do feel disconnected from what a lot of people are into. Like shopping. I cannot stand to shop and I am not into clothes or make-up or anything like that. My eyes just glaze over when I am with women who describe to the nth detail their outfits and the fabrics and accessories and earrings and shades of eye make-up and stuff. I met up with some friends once to go shopping at a designer outlets mall. It was profoundly boring. Lunch was the best part when we could just chat. I really tried to do the shopping thing, but near the end, I just had to go sit in a chair in the middle of the mall and doze. After many years of knowing what I like, I'm OK with that. And I really appreciate my friends who are the shopping type and know me and understand how I am and accept that.

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The kids were talking to me, and then one little girl from down the block, about 4 yrs. old, sat next to me. Really close, almost cuddling with me. She wanted to ask me if I liked breakfast. It was so innocent. Felt nice, almost comforting, in a way. Didn't know what to make of it.

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Was she real? Could be an ego state. Such a sweet story.