I agree with what others have said above and none of what you wrote is offensive in my eyes.

I feel terrible for the attempts that I've made and the burden it has put on family and friends... I can't imagine what it would be like for them had I succeeded.

I know depression works in different ways for different people. For me, in those states it is pretty much a disassociation from who I am... a dream like state and a surreal reality that it is the right thing to do at that time.

Thankfully I have been unsuccessful but in the aftermath and the coming back to a sense of being more in my right mind rather than better... I see the effect and trauma it puts on those I care for... it's hard to explain... I really care for my wife, my mum, my friends... but at the time of attempt, I am truly detached from all of that... and that's what makes it so frightening. That in one day I can go from laughing and joking with someone close... to just glazing over, go numb and doing something that makes no sense.

I have no idea if others can relate to this... I am really glad for you that you have the lucidity to hold it together and use what you've written as an anchor... might sound strange to actually say I envy you... but not in a disrespectful way... I just wish I had that control.