I'm so trying to understand what this is that's wrong with me. My wife brought up a relationship I had been in before we got together a few days ago. She told me it was disgusting. It was with my boss, man old enough to be my father, at the time. I got together with him so that I could get away from my home life (lots of abuse there). I had intercourse with him to cover my portion of rent and food. I'm pretty sure I was manic during that time. It's not a time I am proud of. High school senior year I was manic. Freshman year of college depressed. I cycle I have to accept that. This is me. It's always been me. Just now I have people trying to help even me out so I'm less extreme. Is it better to be less extreme, I don't want to lose me. I'm wanting to dress provocatively, but I can't my clothes are becoming uncomfortable (thank you seroquel). This isn't a good thing because now I don't want to eat at all. I know I'm still too high. I don't want to sleep. I want to do and experience, but I don't want to put myself in danger. I'm wanting to go dance in the street and pray for rain I can dance in. I'm thinking work might be difficult this week. Going to have to take my seroquel more frequently at work. Why can't I just land in the middle for a while. I can't make the thoughts stop. It's been so bad this weekend that I've started writing this a dozen times, but I want able to make coherent trains of thought. I need to wind down and prepare for bed, but that's the last thing I want to do. I want to share my story but I don't want people at work to know. What would happen if I just let go of my control and did everything I felt like doing? I haven't been writing in my journal or tracking my moods. Going to try sleep now.