I've been experiencing states of excessive attentiveness, almost like fear, nervousness, or anxiety but just not quite the same. Almost like random bursts of adrenaline are fueling paranoia which is triggered by what would be otherwise innocuous events, or vice versa.

It's overwhelming, stressful, it's...

I exercise almost daily at a local park. A teenage boy was running toward me on my far left with his left hand under his shirt. He looked awkward running like that and it appeared to me as if he was purposely hiding something under his shirt [thinking about it now I'm recalling a study which centered on kinesiology, specifically the cognitive ability to discern an objects weight by observing how someone moves.] This event triggered some paranoa, attentiveness, and I started thinking about what he was purposely hiding. A weapon? I look over my shoulder a few times and after he goes down a decline in the path which had foliage obscuring some of my field of vision he takes his hand out of his shirt, switches to a walk, and then he looks over his shoulder towards me.

I start to freak out; I get the urge to run away to somewhere with cover as if I'm now being hunted. I keep walking trying to calm down by telling myself, "It's just benzo withdrawal. There's no reason to be so worried, besides, he might not even be real." (I believe I hallucinated two people at this same park over two weeks ago). At this point I start to laugh without restraint at how far my grip on reality has slipped.

I really don't like benzos. I've become increasingly suicidal over the course of time I've been taking my prescription of Temazepam. Since I started reducing the dosage this has gotten worse to where I have this impulse to kill myself when I try to go to sleep, jumping to full alert at any abrupt sounds. I spend the night in fitful sleep, and sometimes I can't go back to sleep; I have this impulse that builds to just do it right then - Now! Now! Now! my mind screams in agitation.

Derealization/Depersonalization that I can't tell whether it is psychological, due to bipolar, a side-effect of Lamotrigine or Temazepam or withdrawal from Temazepam. Hallucinations, paranoia, lethargy, aches, the genuine fear that my poor sleep could trigger another depressive episode (I usually have some degree of depression as Winter approaches as well as during it).

Sometimes I just want to curse and rage and go pound on something until it breaks. I have begun to worry I will become psychotic and 'wake up' to find myself at one of the places I think about killing myself; awakened and made aware of my imminent death. I try to tell myself that is highly unlikely to occur as I have no history of such severe pschosis, but a lot of unlikely stuff is happening and the stress just keeps increasing. It's all so ****ing confusing!

Sometimes I'll tell myself, "It's all in your head." I'll smile as I think this, then those around me seem to mistakeningly interpret this as an indication that I am improving, that I'll be okay - nothing is wrong now, nothing to worry about.