Preface, I'm diagnosed with:
Bipolar type I
PTSD
Anxiety
Dissociate Disorder

I'm 21, going on 22. I've been held captive by these diseases for close to 15 years. Oh, did I mention? I have chronic medical conditions beyond the mental stuff.

On a typical day, it's easy to get up- put on some pants- brush your teeth- grab a cup of coffee and get started with your day.

My day doesn't start until the afternoon. See I was up until 5am taking as many prescriptions as I have that say "for sleeping" on them. Sometimes I feel like a chemist mixing different things (things that could knock out a horse)...Waiting for a reaction (sometimes there isn't one). An hour or 2 later, I finally feel a little pull on my eyelids. Sweet sweet peace. Then I "wake up" 2 or 3pm and attempt to rise from bed without the sharp pain that shoots down my back, or my joints clicking or the urge to pee 40 different times. Then I walk over to the window to pull back the dark sheet covering it so I can see what it looks like outside that day. Dread. I just wish it would stay dark. I start to think about things- first it's what I can do to accomplish anything today. Then within moments, I'm back to thinking about how my father pushed my mother into a glass window (20 years ago). Skip the coffee because it doesn't work anyway. Turn on the radio with the volume as high as possible to drown out my thoughts. Rev the car to 90+ MPH down the highway, still not paying attention, but I enjoy the sense of flying. Maybe running into the mountain would make this all stop. No? When its finally time to show up for your therapy appointment, you get happy-go-lucky. I sit there for an hour, begging
and pleading for someone, anyone...To make this misery go away. Take away the thoughts, let me not get thrown out of stores for having a confrontation with an employee or manager. Let me not explode onto my mother like a punching bag. The therapist would ask how it makes me feel...So? It makes me feel trapped. Like I'm in a war within my mind. Like I'm unprepared for battle, but I have to go out there, in no armor or weapons. Who do you think is going to win this battle? My saving grace is a prayer to a man, whom I feel has no desire to even hear from me, let alone answer my prayer. But this one man, for some reason, has saved my life over and over again. He knows when things are going to come to a head. My dear God I hope he's there that day.