So, I wanted to post and just get this out of me and out there. Most of everything I'm struggling with was purely brought on by myself but, I wanted to put it down somewhere anyway.

As a child I had an extremely abusive father and my mom left him when I was 11 but I still had to see him every weekend as a child until I was 18.

Stemming from his abuse I struggled with a lot of different issues, trust issues, body issues, eating disorders and etc. I am 25 and thought I was over all of it. I'm engaged to a wonderful man and I have a best friend that I would die for who supports me all the time.

A few weeks ago my fiancé and I signed up for a community response team, he's a fireman and this was like an expansion course, I went just to learn the basics of CPR and etc.

The classes were 6 hours once a month for 6 months. During one said class we had fried chicken, I'm a country girl and I picked up my chicken and began to eat, one of the other students looked at me and said "I didn't know chicken was finger food, what are you supposed to be doing?" I'm sure he meant it as a joke and may not have meant it cruelly, but that's not how I took it.

As a child my father refused to let me eat in restaurants because he claimed the way I ate emberassed him, he would order himself food but I received none. After we left him my mother would try to take me out to eat but It was nearly 4 years before I would even go into a restaurant. Even now when I got out to eat I won't eat if the restaurant is crowded and I always want to be in a back booth. So, when this kid made the comment about my eating it was like I took steps back and I was a kid again. I threw my chicken away and it took my fiancé and best friend months to convince me to go out to eat with them. My best friend messaged the student and told him off saying I had an eating disorder that he set backs years. He hasn't spoken to me since, and I haven't gone back to the classes. Even now as my anniversary approaches I'm hesitant to go out to eat.

My church had a dinner today, I love my church and church family. They had friend chicken....so I didn't eat.

Then, on top of the eating disorder I have body image issues. Also, stemming from my father. When I was 13 and wasn't having sex he was angry at me and said I wasn't sexy enough, when I was 15 and liked a boy who wasn't interested my dad told me to give up and be a lesbian cause a guy wouldn't want me. So, I have body issues.

Since, meeting my fiancé I got better with self esteem and being comfortable in my skin. He loves me the way I am and I have a group of friends who are girls that all dress just like I do "Converse, jeans and baggy tshirts" We are who we are and I loved my life. I don't think I'm hideous but I always find imperfections. My teeth are crooked, my nose has been broken etc.
All in all I'm 5'6, 140 pounds, I wear a size 9 jeans. I have dark blonde/light brown hair and blue eyes also a generous amount of freckles on my face. I was excited about getting engagement pictures and stuff for my wedding.

My best friend who is a guy tried to sell a fourwheeler on facebook, a man commented and began making rude comments towards my friend, my fiancé stepped in and told the guy nicely to back off. The man began verbally insulting my fiancé calling him fat and etc. My fiancé takes everything to heat, he's a sweet man but I know it upsets him when people are cruel to him. My best friend got on and told the man to knock it off and he began calling her illiterate and uneducated. We come from a small town, but my best friend is smart. She graduated top of her class in high school and will be finishing college a year early, she's brilliant. I usually keep my head down about stuff but I can't stand to see people I love being bullied, I was bullied and beat down by my dad my entire life and somewhere along the line I'll admit I turned cold. If someone upsets me I can verbally attack with a gun for a tongue, I hate that about myself but I love the people in my life. I got on and told the man she wasn't uneducated and that he could barely spell so he had no room to talk. This resulted in a lot of mudslinging which I tried to steer clear of. In a nut shell I'm ugly and disgusting to look at, I'm clearly a man in disguise and my boyfriend is gay, he also made crude remarks about our sex life which I won't repost but will say they were vicious.

I quit answering him but he continued the insults long after I gave up. I'm an intelligent woman, really and I took the approach that this lowlife I barely know isn't worth my time or tears but it upset me. He reposted pictures of my fiancé and I putting rude comments and it stings. I don't know him and I shouldn't care but I already had issues with my looks. I try to brush it off but it stings deeply.

I honestly at this point don't want to do pictures or try on dresses, I've relapsed far enough that I don't want to eat or look at myself. My best friend and fiancé understand and support me to the fullest telling me not to worry about what other people think they love me and are proud to call me theirs but I feel ugly and disgusting. Maybe that man is right? what if I am hideous? what if everyone who looks at me thinks I'm ugly and a pig when I eat out? that's humiliating. A young girl getting married has enough on her plate without relapsing this bad.

To make it worse (it always gets worse) A few years ago my fiancé and I hit a rough patch. I won't go into to much detail but we broke up, I thought I wanted someone else. In typical abused girl fashion I picked a jerk. He hit me, called me names, cheated on me, smoked and got me smoking, drank and got me drinking. He told people I was a ***** and had stds despite me never being with him and he was a cruel man. I dated him a few months then came to my sense I left and never looked back. My fiancé and I tried again and are fine. I haven't wanted to leave I'm happy and I love him. I want to be his wife. He forgave me and we put it behind us.

A mutual friend was dating a girl, she admitted to cheating on him several times with several men and she had a baby to someone else. I liked this girl and we were friends. I admitted I was a little nervous about being married, picking one man is a big deal. She recently left my friend and he was heartbroken, I tried to support them both but at the end of the day she lied to him, cheated several times and is now living with a divorced man 20 years older than her. I never said anything bad about her ever.
She posted on facebook that I'm not better than her, that I judge her and I'm a ***** too. That I'm in a relationship that makes me unhappy while she is very happy and I'm obviously jealous. I'm a stupid ***** and she detests me because I'm going to end up getting a divorce and her Bible says that's a sin.

Hello? Isn't sleeping around, and lying a sin? Also having a baby out of wedlock? The man she's with is divorced. I'm not going to get a divorce and I'm the furthest thing from a *****. She's admits to sleeping with at least 12 different guys while in a relationship and she has the nerve to call me a *****.
I laughed this off and didn't reply, but it hurts that she felt the need to drag my character through the mud. I know people will be posting how amazing she is for speaking her mind and saying divorce is a sin even though she sleeps around. I don't really care so much it just....irritates me. I want to slap her and scream at her because I don't need her drama right now. I unfriended her naturally but I know people will be commenting and she'll be going into more details.

I screwed up once, I did NOT have sex with the man. I came back to the man who treats me well we've been together 8 years and yes I'm nervous but I want to marry him. I won't ever get a divorce because we're happy. It just makes me mad that she'd do that and let people who don't know me judge me for things she's guilty of. I think one admitted mistake is bad but not nearly as bad as a girl who has a baby to one man while dating another, has sex in the school bathroom, cheats with 12 different guys while in a relationship and is now dating a divorced man whose 20 years older. That's just me, but I didn't call her out on it because I'm trying to be a good person. It's just hard.

I'm not saying I'm perfect I just wanted to share my feelings with someone else, and get support from people who don't know who I am. So, thank you for listening.