Polar I am so sorry to hear you are going through such horrible pain and struggle. I can kind of relate to a lot of what you mentioned as I have Bipolar1, PTSD, BPD and dissociate regularly and have had for several decades. I am 38 now and I can say that life has improved significantly with years of effective treatment and a lot of hard work. I want you to know that there is hope of a future you will want to be in. Your illness may never be completely 'cured' but there is so much hope it can improve significantly. Hang in there!