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Thanks in advance for your advice and wisdom.
I am going through my first break-up. While most people would simply part ways and find other ways to cope, my ex and I never had a clean break, with the exception of 2 months with no contact. In those two months (February to April), I began CBT with a therapist and could finally put a name to all the thoughts and feelings I’d been bottling up for so long. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life but coming out of my first real relationship really tore me apart.
From the time we broke up until now, he always told me I deserved better; he still cares for me, wished for my happiness, insisted on being friends and keeping in touch. After our two month break, I certainly believed I was stronger and could handle being friends with him because I was starting to see results through CBT. But as the months progressed, I realized I still had feelings for him and in turn, I hurt myself more than I should by all my actions. I kept repeating all my mistakes. We hooked up, we texted, hung out together. I gave him a place to stay when he needed it, went out of my way to do nice things for him and when he closed on his first house, I bought him a small house-warming gift. I didn’t want a break-up in the first place but I thought doing all these things and not forcing anything on him would make him want to try to work things out with me. Needless to say, I was falling all over again. I turned to one of my good friends for peace of mind and she believes I am giving him all the power and doesn’t think I need a man to be happy.
At the same time we were contacting each other, I’d already made progress yet I still wanted all his time. All summer, I’ve gone hiking, biking, dancing, hung out with friends, volunteered, went on vacation and even spent time applying to jobs overseas (something I’d been working towards for awhile). And it all seemed fine until I realized that we were repeating ourselves once again. I told myself many times that I was making a big deal out of it and there’s nothing to worry about. But there were nights I’d cry because I could never stand up for myself and let him go. Perhaps, I was scared of change and didn’t want him to move on or I was scared he’d spread rumors about me (which is where the anxiety started). I threw myself into a frenzy of negative thoughts and got anxious because I worried what he thought of me. My questions were endless: Am I annoying for repeating the same thing over and over? Was I naive this whole time? Am I beating myself up for no reason? Does he regret dating me? Is he truly better off without me? It’s been nine months since we broke up so why does he still linger in my mind?
Just a few weeks ago, I finally approached him about where we stand. It wasn’t a shouting match nor was I furious – just exhausted and hurt. He still insisted on being friends and he truly does care for me but no longer had romantic feelings. He also told me he doesn’t want me to be hung up on him. Immediately, I felt humiliated, ashamed and very foolish, mostly for bringing up the same conversation when I tried so hard to avoid it. Why did I put myself in this situation once again? Because I still care for him and still have a lot to give. What hurts the most is that I never did give myself the time I needed to heal and now it is going to take a lot longer to get through this – which is why I feel so darn stupid and really ashamed that I dragged this out. The person I love the most is no longer here and I’m scared I’ve lost him for good. Worst of all is that I’m starting to feel jealous of him – he closed on his first house, he’s got two jobs that pay well and now he’s going to buy a new car. I do feel like now that he’s more ‘established’, he has independence and freedom to do what he wants. These feelings of envy and anger certainly don’t mean ‘love’, do they?
Currently, I have no urge to contact him though I do think of him every day (we even work less than a mile from each other and live less than 15 minutes apart). I am learning to let things go yet my depression is in full swing right now. I am exhausted, my thoughts are driving me crazy and I feel physical pain. I’m still forcing myself to go out every week to find new things to do, meet with friends and spend time alone. I haven’t been able to find peace of mind and keep shaming myself for all the things I did – I feel like I’m back where I started with blaming myself for all my mistakes. Some days, I feel worthless, ugly and apathetic. How can I forgive myself when I put myself in this situation to begin with? Am I complaining and just throwing myself a pity party because I can’t ‘deal’ with it? I have a tendency to get things out in the open but have a hard to getting them off my mind. It’s a bad habit I need to get rid of.
Bottom line is that I need to get over it and move on even though I know he’s out here living freely without me. I am just trying to keep my head up and think positively so I can feel happy once again even if he can’t ever see it. I owe it to myself.
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