Maybe the topic your wife brought up was triggering in some way, especially in the way she responded to it. "Disgusting." Such a strong word that provokes such feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, and deviance. And you realize now it was due to your mania, and it makes you feel ashamed...I get that, I've cheated on relationship partners multiple times, all during hypomanic episodes, and I feel enormous guilt and shame, and it feels like the person who made that decision was someone entirely different, one who justified your impulsive actions at the time as perfectly making sense.

I'm the opposite of you right now, depressed. Supposed to start Lamictal to "elevate me out of depression and just a little higher, little less than hypomania" in my doctor's words. I don't think I can tell anyone other than 3 close friends and my husband about my dx. Totally afraid of the stigmatization. At the same time, I want to decrease stigmatization as psychology is my chosen profession and that comes through having a voice. I am so, so conflicted about this. But I just got my BP dx two weeks ago. Still trying to accept it, even though it explains SO MUCH. It's obvious. I even suspected it. But somehow having to accept it is so much different. Strange, since I'm still me. Just evaluating myself and past actions way differently now, and it's all a bit much to process.

I just share all this with you to say you're not alone, even if you don't know exactly how you feel or can't trust your thoughts. Pretty sure everyone on here has felt that at one time or another. I'm also afraid of "losing myself" in the medications, feeling like someone other than myself. Quite terrified actually. But anything has got to be better than this depression.

You're never alone. Reach out whenever you need to and keep going, day at a time!