I saw T today and we were talking about how I've sent him poetry and written to him between sessions when I've felt low (at the beginning of therapy and a few times since he has said it is fine to email him if ever I need to)
I never email him more than once or twice a week and often not at all. Last week I emailed him right after the session with poetry we discussed I would send him and I sent him an email on Friday telling him a couple of things that had triggered me but assured him I didn't need to reply.
In session today we started talking about how my narrative in the emails is of someone who isn't coping well (my words) but he doesn't see that in session. I said that's because I have trouble expressing myself verbally (which he already knows) and I find it easier to communicate in writing. He was like, "But this is talking therapy" I said I'm not doing this on purpose, I want him to know how Im feeling but I can't express it verbally at the moment. Part of the aim for me is to learn to do that but he needs to have patience with me and it won't happen overnight (I told him all that).
Then he suggested why don't I write the stuff down and bring it in and read it to him. This totally misses the point. I can't say these things and I can't be there to see his reaction. I feel like he doesn't get this at all, but it's a huge part of who I am. I just said that's not going to happen and dropped the subject, but now I feel like I can't email him anymore.
The fact he said I could contact him was one of the big reasons I stuck with him as a T and made big disclosures to him. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him.
I'm not going to see him for 11 days and obviously I can't contact him to tell him how I feel!
I plan to raise it at the next session and ask him directly if the boundaries have changed, but I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He never actually said I shouldn't contact him.

PS sorry for predictive text error in title!