Thanks, as I said, exposure therapy works.

Watching Queer as folk made me feel that their life wasnt mine. You know what I mean, a feeling deep down. Sort of like knowing you dont like snooker, even if you've never played it!

Their life just doesnt seem like what mine's going to follow, I cant feel it.

Problems I do have is my confidence. These four months have been heart wrenching, as my fear increased, my confidence towards women wayned. I keep fearing that I'll never fall in love with a woman. I spent so much time worrying about my fate, I wasnt focused on girls alot. Another problem I had was, if I found a woman attractive, Id somehow think I didnt really. Ive been knocked off track, and I wish those bullies could get a taste of their own medicine.

Whilst there's nothing wrong with gayness, I perfectly respect them (looking it through my eyes, I was close to becoming one). Everything adds up to be honest. And I apologise for going on, but this is me getting everything straight (lol):

1) whilst being accused of being gay since i was 9, at first, never did anything to me at first. I believe it created a sensitive spot in my mind, and it took a gradual amount of abuse in order to make it a problem. like a wound u continuously touch.

2) love has never been kind to me. i always liked girls who never liked me back. girls i wasted so much passion on, so many nights dreaming and lying awake thinking about them... yet no passion has been returned to me. only once a year ago, and i felt love, but it only ended sadly.

3) Teen years. As pointed out, im in my teens, and curioisty is natural. But what those bullies have done, is made me jittery to any homosexual thought I had. Ive had curiosity before all this, and usually it would make me shudder and id soon forget it. Even then the curioisty was very small and rarely happened. My mind would be directed to girls all the time.

It's fair to say the bullies have placed a burden on me. What could have been a natural period of my life, resulted in a struggle. For all I know, I may have never had gay thoughts if it wasnt for them. The sad part of all this is the fact that no one can know. At school, I cant just say, "I'm sexually confused, what about you?" I cant go to the bullies and tell them what mental conflict theyve caused me.

My school work slipped, homework was the least of my worries. I was a model student, Im currently up for head boy. but none of that concerned me anymore. I spent my days trying my best to survive thougths that worried me. I felt like a ticking time bomb.... it's sad. But its also taught me a serious lesson.

In life, we are all going to be pitted with situations that will at times seem unescapable. Weve just got to learn to live with them. The sad part is, I felt so alone, and I could never tell my parents how I felt.

It's not about the gayness issues, it's the fact I spent four months of my life in a small dark room. Whilst I could have been having fun growing like all of my friends, my problem landed me in a place of isolation. I know I sound insane right now, but Im only getting it off my chest.

Ive grown and matured from all of this, and thats what Im grateful for. I just feel sad that im so uncertain and confused. That because of some boys, what could have been a natural process of my growth became something I feared day by day. Im not going to be mean and wish for the bullies to feel this uncertainty. Its something no one should go through. Thinking youre one thing for all your life, then being told youre another in such a cruel way.

If I ever have children, and they ever feel uncertain about their sexuality, or something. Im going to be there for them, spare them of it and let them know that everything will be alright.

I apologise for my rant, this was a traumatic time of my life. I dont truly hate the bullies for what they caused. I just want some love, for a girl to hold me close and tell me its ok.... damn, that was a straight thought lol