I used to keep a very "clean" and organized house and when we moved and built a barn I kept that very clean and organized too, even the paddocks had to be clean. Since I stood there and saw so much damaged, I got so I could not keep up and I had been in the middle of redoing my kitchen and another room, and that has been frozen and messy. My husband clutters and I used to keep up with that, but that fell by the wayside too. I sit in this room with my computer and there is a mess of all kinds of files from my lawsuit that everytime I even think of trying to organize somehow, my brain just turns off and disassociates. Gradually my life got to be all about the damaged animals, dealing with the lawyer who was mentally declining and trying to make enough to pay on the debt my neighbor created and waiting for some kind of resolve 7 years and still waiting. Then it took time to find a T and try to find a way to pay him too so I can understand this thing called PTSD that just set in and took over. I have lost my sense of appreciating and caring for like I used to, I am far away from that person I "used to be" somehow.

It "used to be" cathartic when I cleaned but my drive to "actually do" has left my brain somehow. I used to wake up ready to go out and greet my ponies and then tend to my projects, I always had projects but then, too much sadness, too much loss and then "me" was lost. I know that being treated like I had no right to be so upset in so many ways just pretty much hit that "caring" area very hard. I think that no matter how much I tried to care, whatever I built up just got wiped out one too many times.