Well, as I look at my clock, it is officially the 16th now and I have been with my h for 10 years. I met him that long ago.......although we've only been married for about 7.

This has been eating at me for the last week, intensifying daily. I realize I'm getting older, chances of being with anyone that will make me happy is getting slimmer and I am so tired of being alone.

I make all the regular excuses for staying: my son's sake and money.........which are both valid, but I'm tired of being lonely and being alone.

We have no real relationship at all - he is a parasite that just won't let go. We have separate rooms and little contact with one another. Different interests, viewpoints and values........I've wondered all week why I didn't escape long ago when my son was smaller.

I know that all this is my own fault, as I let it continue, but I needed to say out loud the fact that he disgusts me and I really can't stand him. I have no respect for him and his self-centeredness.

I've been quieter around the house lately, thinking more. He actually noticed and asked me "what my problem is now"......so sweet he is. He says rude sexual comments to me in front of my son.........there will be a time when he will understand his father's crudeness. I don't care what he's going to do before he goes to sleep - ask someone who gives a *****.

I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. Tired of playing the "game" to fit into life and people's expectations. Once in awhile I can be with a few of my friends where I can be myself and not worry about how others will take it, or whether they'll judge me before they know me.

Between all the other garbage in my life right now, the last thing I needed was this.........showing me how empty and fake my life is - 10 years worth of pain, anger and bruises. What a way to continue on. At 42, I feel 30 years older.



Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard