Actually to be fair, Hazelgirl I think you have it spot on. I'm not bipolar but would of been easily misdiagnosed as so, but turns out chronic PTSD has same symptoms of bipolar ei a hyperarousal state would mimic very much a manic episode.

Anyways, but the thing is, the part of me that really wants to get out and talk reeeeeeeeally has a stupidly hard time especially with the barrier 'me' that I have build and I want to break down those ALS and I can't. And usually I am not this self in group (run by someone else by my T is going to be starting another group to help people... Like me expand their window of tolerance which she stresses I need, I get that), but today I was ths barrier me in group and seeing Shelly magnified that by a bazillion. I have my guards up so much with her and I know she knows this. But ****, I need advice on how to break the barrier not leave me high and dry. It might come across to her I am not trying (she said I spent the last 4 sessions deciding whether or not I wanted to change, this was our 5th session) but really, I spent the last 4 sessions learning how far into this trama **** I really am! Seriously, I thought I was fine! Then I got arrested and court ordered to see someone and get help (great program actually in Canada not dissing that). I don't know how to get help! Ack, it's all so frustrating.

Okay so if this isn't long enough here is how it went-

Walked into office, greeted her with a big smile and nice salutations (is that the right word, the how are you's back you know) complete opposite from last week where I was in one of my lows and it took me a half hour to get out that I had a really bad week and SI, anyways, I thought she would be happy to see my happy. But she seemed aggregated. Right into this thing we had to fill out (must be cuz it's government) about my goals with therapy etc, I couldn't get out much out loud and the giddy probably really seemed as tho I wasn't taking anything seriously, but hones, couldn't firkin help it) . So she said I could write it if it were easier, then words spilt out. She read them back out loud. Still couldn't commit to the feelings that should go with the words I wrote. T seeming more annoyed. So I said 'so you having a bad day...?' Honestly can't remember T's answer but thnk it went back to , no just ending to get that thing filled out. So then she put that aside, and said 'what do you want to talk about' (little background, my first visit she told me we would try EMDR, by scond visit she realized that would not happen, bad hyper arousal state that day, third visit she educated me on how trauma makes a person split into parts or rather, never bring their parts as a whole, 4th visit, I was very depressed was just coming out of a bad 5 day spell however was still hard to get anything out). Anyways, so I said 'oh, is that how this works, I just pick something I want to talk about' again, I get the smile and giddiness would make it seem as tho I don't want to take it seriously, and I get maybe I couldn't get myself back to where I could at that moment but shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Now I feel horrible. I know I am only 5 sessions in but I know I need this. I do. Only part of me 'likes the SI and ED and I quit drugs 5 years ago and last drink was June 22 and haven't shoplifted (by shoplift I guess it was more than that... I get that now) but haven't done that since the June 22nd... If that lady doesn't think I am firkin trying I am. Jesus, I just want some validation for what I have done. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. No wait, I don't need validation, I want to know how to b able to firkin talk to her. I am really mad at myself. And I don't know how many of you know of the dark place, but SI is my buffer zone to keep me here and it sucks because it should be my son, or my husband and my life doesn't really suck all that much but Jesus, I feel like ****. And I don't want to go there. I like my good days.

*sigh* sorry this is long and all over the place.

I might call T and leave a voicemail (I did that after 2nd visit and first hyper state... I said sorry if I offended you but I do want help- my never ending SIDS battling between wanting help and thinking I should just get the f$&@ over t already- anyways and told her that I need to find a way to be able to get little victim 'Ocean' out in therapy to talk to her'. And she brought that up in 3rd session, but she didn't tell me how!! :/