sometimes we embody the abusive attitudes we are surrounded with as we grow up. It is not your fault. It is the conditioning of the world around us.
I used to put a sign up on the wall It was the only way to distract me from self deprecating comments.
Self harm only widens the gap and increases the self loathing.
What about finding some project to help other people? Just helping a neighbor with some yard work can be a way to improve our self esteem. I don't feel you deserve the pain or need it. I feel you deserve much more than that.
A poet said release the hidden splendor inside. I am trying to find a way to let it out whenever I can, every day in a small way.