I've been thinking more about your post, and have more to say.

"What if I am just a *****? And the pain I am in and BPD is just a punishment or a result of being a *****. "

I believe we ask ourselves these Qs because our suffering seems so harsh and others around us seem so happy, that we feel a sense of injustice and try to rationalize why we have been "chosen" to suffer, while others have it so easy.

We come up with a list of possibilities in our minds:
- I must be evil
- I must have sinned
- I must be inferior
- I have hurt other people (bad karma or whatever)
... hence, I deserve to suffer.

And, when we answer our own questions by rationalizing like this, we finally have some sort of closure and can rest assured that justice has been served (evil people deserve to suffer, sinners deserve punishment, etc).

That does not mean we are evil or have sinned or are inferior Unfortunate might be a more appropriate word.

Also, others' happy faces might conceal problems far worse than our own People are so concerned with appearances (as in appearing happy, not talking about looks here) that a smiling face is mandatory in a lot of public contexts.

As difficult as it might seem, try to find the positives in your life I thank God, each day, for music and exercise, and that the bullet that was supposed to end my suffering didn't paralyze or disfigure me ... I'm still able to lift.

Sorry if none of this helps or cheers you up, but I couldn't help myself.