rapid cycle here and all lamictaled up.

Just found my way into here...wild when you see all these posts that sound like I wrote them or I know what their talking about like exactly...

I need to go on a rant, wish I was in like some place where I could scream this out loud but I guess I'll settle for whoever reads this.

Why is nothing the way it's supposed to be?
Every day to some extent is struggling to adapt to function properly, dare I come into work quiet and non-social... dare I come home to my wife, down, out or short (not that it's ok, I do love my wife). But why do I have to adapt?
Because I'm not normal? What is normal? I guess it's what everyone else is and you are not.
Maybe normal is behaving within range that doesn't hack anyone off or just bother someone. Which hacks me off...although interesting insight I just found there...
Why am I condemned to walk this line or pretend or fake it or apologize and apologize or lie about however I feel?

Why do I have to be conflicted?
I'm angry, I hurt, I hate I'm "acting bipolar" and need to go away
I'm sad, depressed, anxious I'm "in a mood" and can't be tolerated
I'm moody, grumbling I "have an attitude problem" and nobody wants that in the office.
I'm happy... rarely... yes happy, that rare, precious it's OK feeling that lasts oh too short... that's what everyone wants isn't it. So do I, because I want to feel it...but then again that's when I'm "normal" to everyone.
Don't be too happy, no, no should you waste away too much money, you've spent too much on yourself, or you didn't pay attention to something you should've.
It's a house of cards, so so much work to keep it from falling down on itself. Get up next morning and start all over again.
And I resent it...

Why can't it be the same for my relationships and interractions with everyone else as it is with my kids (just realized this...) could it be (daughter 8, sons 5 & 2) they don't care. Or they care in the right fashion. Obviously dad yelling at them out of line an exception and that they of course care about, as should I. But... out of anyone I come across my three kids accept the way I happen to be at that time. Sure it will change eventually, but I don't need to be on top of the world, they don't get dad's had a long day, my daughter emphasizes to an extent... but I don't have to conform for them.

Everyone else I need to conform, adapt, apologize, hide, fear.

The next person that makes me feel like I must adapt and conform I wish I could tell them to go to hell and let me be. Don't you think I want to be better then this? I'd prefer not to be consumed at times in self hate, or dreading parts of my life, I'd like to be, love to be, this "normal" you're looking for, but I can NOT I've been denied it for the rest of my life and I'm taking drugs to partially compensate and the rest is me faking it. But why? Why? Why?

Nobody gets this, no matter how I try to say it or act it, don't you think I want to be better then this?

Bipolar go to hell