<font color="purple"> ((((((sadmmomy))))))))))) I am sorry that you are going through this.......

I am not sure I can add anything much different than what has already been said...... It sounds like he wants an out but doesnt want to be the "bad" guy by saying so, and therefore is acting like a jackass hoping to push you to be the bad guy in this relationship to end it.... Maybe not, just a POV..... He keeps saying there isnt any problems, but oh there is, he isn't validating your feelings, he is projecting his guilt onto you in order to "justify" his actions.....IMO He doesnt want you in counseling because he doesnt want to look bad because he isnt willing to particpate for fear of having to face himself and his wrongs, insecurities, weaknesses, guilt, etc..... He wants you to think its all in your head..... what to doooo ?!? Well, have to first figure out what is best for you! What do you want and need? Cousneling is a great step... You mentioned being christians I believe, counseling can be done through your pastor/clergyman, often free too.... I honestly would confront him with all I knew.... Honest communication is key, and if you are sneaking around his emails, voice mails, etc he may see that as a betrayal as well and the relationship will teeter back and forth..... and frankly there should be no reason why spouses should not know each others passwords anyway, unless they are hiding something... IMO, anyway..... I would only confront the other person if I knew I could handle what that person may reveal......Yes, the other person bares responsibility fopr their actions but also that person may not know that your husband is married, who knows what he is saying to her.... either way HE is to blame for his part-taking of the that relationship .... I would tell him that this is a marriage and you take what is going on very seriously and that if he does not feel the same or want to participate in working on the relationship that you are going to do x, y, and z ......

My experience with this has the some of the same components but in a different order..... I will give you an express version.........before I had my afffair I had tried for yrs to get my dh (darling hubby) to go to counseling with me and I always heard the same "I am not the one with a problem" or "its all in your head , stop being a baby", (he wasnt having an affair , it was other issues in our marriage, some abusive) I slept on the couch for 9 of the first 11 eleven yrs of our marriage...... I had my affiar... when he confronted me, and I told him everything including the fact that I wanted a divorce, is when we began to work on us..... took many yrs and I will be honest I put my DH thru hell before I let go of my selfish ways and allowed him back in my world and learned to love each other again and now yyrs later we have a great healthy marriage......

I do not jsutify what I did by any means! My dh does, but I dont...... I wish I had tried one more time to express my needs and concerns and had not resorted to seeking it in another......

I am not sure I have any great advice other than do what you feel is best for you and your kids.... My hope is that your DH will stop his behavior, end conatct with the OW (other woman), and particpate in marriage counseling..... ((((my prayers and thoughts are with you)))))))))) feel free to PM me anytime~</font>