Good or crazy?

Dear Doc,

I wish I could see you face to face for no more than 5 minutes. However, I know that I'm not quite ready for that yet. New revelations bring new work to be done and I need to do this work before I see you. If seeing you is a possibility.

My past makes more sense in light of this recent revelation but it leaves more work to be done. You see, when my mind races, it races with everyday worries, but also many paranoid thoughts.

In light of these paranoid thoughts, so much of my life comes into focus. How can I do anything or trust anyone when I am paranoid about people being "out to get me"? So, my lack of social activities, my paralysis in treatment, my "lack of trust" in you, and my paralysis when it came to finding a job in the real world seem to be pieces easily joined with my untreated paranoia at the time.

I realize that when we were working together there was a more urgent issue...my suicidal/parasuicidal thoughts and behaviors. However, I worked extremely hard in therapy and DBT, since our separation, to learn to better cope with stressors and emotions. In turn, I have learned to manage 99.9% of all the borderline traits I have in me. They still seep in to various areas of my life at times, just not detrimentally so.

I've been working very closely with a PMHNP in the last month. She is truly amazing and I wouldn't change a thing right now. I dream of the day we work together again. However, I realize that may not be a possibility in your book. Just know that I hope our paths cross again sometime, maybe not even as patient and doctor but in a more casual sense.

I do care about you and hope you are doing well. I hate to give you credit for what has happened but I truly believe you saved my life the day you terminated me. It sprung me into action. I got busy working with a new therapist and started DBT shortly after. As a result I am a much different person from the one you terminated with me at the end of October 2013. I wish you could have seen the transformation but it is what it is.

Wishing you all the best,
Melissa