Im sorry that your feeling so bad ..

One thing I will say is you will not always feel the need to always mask and hide your feelings.. With hard work on your part and medications if you choose to use them. It is possible to have lots of "normal times" *whatever that is anyway .

Bipolar has to be attacked from all sides ...meditation, mindfullness, healthy diet , exercise,good communication skills etc etc .. the list goes on ..

Side note .. My husband has no mental health issues .. But he comes home very often from work and has to just have a blow out vent because his job is so stressful.. Everyone will have outbursts mental heath or not.

Last thing I will say is stop thinking your "not normal "..Its self defeating and sets you up for more mental anguish .. 7 billion people on this planet and everyone is fighting there own battle with something in there life .

Things can and will improve . Keep posting here and vent when you need/want to.

Welcome to PC